This can go in a number of directions. Don't be a dumbass: Live below your means. Don't be a dumbass: Save your money instead of buying stupid crap. But this time, I have to point the finger at myself, because, well, I'm the dumbass. Oh, yeah, you're right. What's new about that?
Anyway, as I've mentioned recently, I've had some health issues as of late. Sure, genetics play into my woes, but it's really comprised of 99.9 percent years of stupid decisions and a lack of self-care. I am a typical rescuer lunatic. Yanno, the kind of person with a messianic complex so deep that he/she worries about everyone else and utterly neglects self, AKA a Dumbass. We dumbasses do good work, no doubt, but ultimately to our own detriment, making continued good deeds rather difficult. Some of my brethren have deep seated self-esteem issues and think they are only worthy when giving to others. Fortunately, I don't really have that issue. I tend to lack patience with that sort of thang (shitty self-esteem is a form of entitlement, me thinks. I mean, c'mon! Everyone has value but you? Really? How did you get to be so special?). I've got a bad combination of an alarming level of laziness, disdain for entitlement and a deeply rooted belief that the only life worth living is one that's lived in service to others. (Contradictory, I know. Lazy, but dedicated!)
What this looked like over the years: I have to run to 14 different meetings for the NPO that is paying me jack shit to work 60+ hours a week. No time to cook! Let me just run through this fast food joint a couple of times a day. Exercise? Suck it. Family history of diabetes and heart disease? Um, so? What's your point? I'm in the homeless capital of the United States! We have work to do, people!
Spend the vast majority of your life doing the above and you're gonna end up in deep shit, which is where I found myself. I have been going through the odd process of learning that self-care is required to properly live in a life in service and that taking time for self is not a manifestation of the indulgent tirades of entitled twats* hell bent on self-absorption. Self-care is actually something called "common sense." One day, I hope to have some of that common sense thing.
Being the frugal freak that I am, I must admit that the most painful part of this process hasn't been the various treatments and behavior changes. Oh no. It's been the cost. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, the cost. I have a perfectly horrible doctor through a perfectly fine HMO. Under their version of "care," I found myself getting worse and worse. So, I started paying out of pocket to see some hippified doctors who, like me, feel that pharmaceutical interventions should be a last resort. These stellar docs have given me discounts on care. (Thanks, ladies!) But I had to stop working for a bit, which resulted in an inconsistent income for a few months. I had to get a long-term car rental to get to and from various appointments in the nightmare sprawl that is Los Angeles. I had to spend a lot of money on supplements to help repair years of damage from a shitty diet and zero movement.
Essentially, for three months my income was reduced and sporadic while expenses increased by (say it with me now) $1600 per month over that same period. That's a hair under $5,000 and that's only for the intensive portion of things. The costs moving forward will reduce significantly and my income is back up to its old healthy self, so I'll be able to dig myself out of this hole by summer. But I'll still have more going out the door than I would otherwise for at least another year thanks to my idiocy. I also have to make some difficult decisions about quality of life issues, which may result in relocation or any other host of potential expensive changes.
Of course, not everyone who gets sick is a dumbass. There are so many conditions that are completely out of our control. I wonder about folks who don't have the luxury of a salaried gig and low expenses. How does a mother of three who makes minimum wage with no health benefits cope if she gets sick? But that's another discussion for another day.
Next week, I turn 39. I should be smarter by now, I know. But I am grateful that this changing tide has resulted in a new way of living (albeit at a snail's pace) that will ultimately result in a greater quality of life. I'm grateful for supportive, qualified medical folks and a compassionate employer. I'm grateful that I have a good measure of control over these health issues. Grateful, grateful, grateful. More than anything, I just hope that at some point, I will no longer be among the ranks of dumbass and will be awash in common sense. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away in the garden, pinching my pennies, and learning the fine art of good self-care. Feel free to join me (anyone want to toss a medicine ball around?) and share your tips on good self-care (please don't confuse that as a request for die-ting tips!). I'm new at this, after all.
*again, apologies to my feminist friends who find this term offensive. I would simply suggest that you stop associating your body with this term. I mean, really?
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24 comments:
You had me at "Dumbass"! Love this post, since I'm living it. I spent 20 years working 60 hour weeks and doing everything for everybody. . . except me. So now, after 4 spinal surgeries within the space of three years, I'm off work, and have been for a few days short of a full year. And I'm not getting better. I don't know if I can turn things around for me, but I'm certainly going to teach my children that there's more to life than work. And I'm teaching all my friends how to say, "No!". Good luck, and keep your priorities in order now that you've found them!
Jammie Girl! Dude, I am so sorry to hear of the spinal awfulness. I've had some joint pain issues and I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. Can I be all Pollyanna and affirm that you'll get well? Pray for you? 'Cuz I can do that. I'm all about that.
My mama told me not too long ago, "Never become some profession's whore." Amen, Mama. Amen. Your kids are lucky to get the lesson of a life that encompasses more than work. Hear that world? THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN WORK.
Thank you for your support! I'm going to sit over here and send hippie healing vibes your way.
Better late than never? Not that it's *late* -- just not early.
Take care of yourself.
Yanno, I used to be that person... working 60+ hours per week for the "community." And I was really convinced that I was irreplaceable, that the organization needed me.
I finally came to the conclusion that on some level I was being completely irresponsible. I was taking horrible care of myself, the people who cared about me were always suffering because I was inevitably in crisis of one sort or another, and I really wasn't doing the organization I worked for any favors by going to such super human lengths either. If the organization couldn't exist without slave labor, was it really an organization worth having around?
But it wasn't until I finally quit my job that I really understood the whole dynamic. I mean my head was filled with all these lofty ideas about how I had "sacrificed" for some "ideal" but the truth was that working my ass off and being chronically broke did something for me... it gave me a pile of things to focus on so that I wouldn't have to deal with the one thing that I had been steadfastly avoiding: myself.
Strange as it might seem, the first few years after I quit working were probably the hardest of my entire life. I could no longer blame my "moods" on my jerkface boss, or on being overworked & under appreciated, or on being broke (my income actually doubled those first few years.) Suddenly there was nothing and nobody to blame my "issues" on except myself. I was sort of forced to face the demons from my past in a way that I was totally unprepared for.
I can't help but believe that I'm not the only person out there who uses work as a way to escape emotions. I'm not saying that's your situation, but I do know that failing to deal with your own shit helps no one.
I probably have a list of things you already know but here goes: When working take your lunch. A Subway or similar homemade sandwich is healthy when made with veggies. Take a cut up apple and some peanut butter. You get the idea. Get plenty of rest. If you cannot sleep read for a while and hopefully you will fall asleep. Drink water. Don't over do it but 6-8 glasses of water a day and no pop or coffee is cleansing to your bowels, kidneys, liver etc. Put a little lemon in it. If you like chicken use a small grill and have it for dinner. I even simmer a couple of chicken legs take off the meat put a dab of salt on it. I work to get my protein without fixing it as fried. Take a multivitamin, calcium with D and a magnesium every day. All this helps in many ways. I need help with my muscles so. Exercise in any way you can tolerate. I hate it. I do it in 10 min. segments 2 or 3 times a day. I try to do these things for myself. I hope they help you.
I don't want to sound heavy and religious here, but...if you have faith, if you believe that your life is a *gift* from the Creator/God/Big Mama, then self care becomes less about self and more about cherishing the gift. The same Hand that makes the trees and sky and all that purty stuff makes and sustains me - humbling thought, that, and it keeps me in line when I get careless about my own well being.
Well, mostly it does..
39 is not too old to make good changes. It's old enough to have figured out what you don't want, though. Isn't that great?
And you've got wise blogging friends making healthy suggestions.
Yeah. I've recently found myself in a dumbass health situation too. We'll turn it around because we're awesome. High five.
I've been working on this whole self-care, getting & staying healthy thing myself. It's a hard row to hoe, but so worth it. Sending lots of love and healing thoughts your way.
Hi there :) Found your blog through Eco Cat Lady. Your cute dog always catches my eye :)
I am sorry to hear of your health issue - and money issues, which makes everything worse.
I am 43 and was diagnosed with T2 diabetes at age 35 (4th generation in my family, ugh). I have learned 2 major lessons in the past few years.
1) No one can or will take care of you but YOU. If you don't take the time to do it, nobody else will. Believe it or not, this was really tough for me to grasp as a caretaker of literally everyone else around me.
2)As you live with this disease and get to know your body's signals better, you will find that how you physically & mentally feel is in direct relation to how you're taking care of yourself. Also a hard pill for me to swallow. With Type 2 diabetes, input definitely equals output.
Congrats on finding your own path for management! That is awesome! So much of T2 management is under our control, especially if the infamous pancreas is still working fairly well.
If you ever want another T2 to correspond with, holler.
Keeping good thoughts for you. '
Misty
Two things I have learned for best health:
Saying "no", even if you feel like a bitch.
Getting a good night's sleep.
And also, 39 is not too late. I lost 45 pounds at age 39 and generally improved my health and became a runner.
It's not too late to start taking care of yourself. I'm 65 and digging out of a long period of self-neglect. Yoga and mindfulness meditation was my doorway. Everything shifted when I started doing it mindfully (and with an excellent teacher) Your doorway may be different. unless you are extremely lucky in your doctor, don't look for much help from the insurance-run medical industry. Ask around until you find a real healer, mine is a naturopath/dom. out of pocket, of course, and yes, it's expensive. But it's my priority right now.
jesinalbuquerque
Sending some healing thoughts your way!
First-cut yourself some slack and let go of the hidden perfectionism that is raises its hideous head when you least expect it!
Second-explore mindfulness! The more I learn about it and be in the moment the better I'm able to care for myself. (I work a low-paying but enjoyable job 70 miles from where I live and care for my elderly parents so time to care for myself is hard to find).
I've learned so much from my folks about enjoying each day-the sunshine, a squirrel feeding at the bird feeder, and just being alive one more day!
Peace, love and thanks for all the times you have inspired me!!
Steph--true! And thank you.
Ms. ECL--yanno, I did the soul crushing thing where I thought I mattered when I worked back at Habitat for Humanity many moons ago. That job cured me of any delusion that management could give a crap or that I was important (a trained monkey can do a job). It took me years to get over it! More than anything, I believe I have simply fallen into a series of bad habits formed early in life (well, very effective as a kid, but not so much now) and when I first moved out here. Time to simply change the routine. I don't have an affliction of needing to be busy nor do I feel that I am hiding from self. Despite the concern of the health issues, this really lacks drama. Well, it's probably an age thing. My life in general lacks drama. Praise jesus! So, anyhoo...habits. Yeah.
Rita--thank you for the great suggestions! I really should have probably mentioned some of the stuff I'm actually doing for myself. But thank you so much for the reminder that breaking exercise into small chunks still counts. I tend to have a problem with "all or nothing" thinking, so that if I'm not going to do something for at least 30 minutes, what's the point? I need to rid myself of that stupid line of pseudo logic. Thank you for the reminder!
Anyhoo--things I am doing (or trying, dammit):
1. Eat every 2.5 hrs. THIS IS SO FREAKIN' HARD TO DO. Seriously. You'd think a fat chick who loves food could do this easily, but no! Primary focus is incorporating as much veggies as possible.
2. Working out with a PT/Trainer type person who is AWESOME. Seriously. First trainer type person I have ever encountered who seems to really get it and doesn't drive me nuts.
3. Water therapy/exercise classes (starting this week!).
4. Meditation and yoga (AKA practicing mindfullness).
5. Journaling & praying.
6. Taking supplements recommended by my naturopath.
Christine--dude. Dude. DUDE. YES. That is beautiful and I just want to kiss your glorious face. Thank you.
Linda--what an excellent point. I know what I don't want! I am learning what I do want and what actually works (e.g., I want to lay around and drink champagne and pop percocet. Oh, yeah. That doesn't really work so well). And don't these blogging buddies rock? Seriously, Y'ALL ARE ROCKSTARS. Thank you.
Lisa--high five! Yes. We are awesome. And I am now praying for your gorgeous self. Also? Bob's prayers for Syria? That kid is magical. I attribute it to his mama.
Kathie--and you are such a champion self-care. Inspiration! Your journey is an absolute inspiration. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Desiderata--woman, I hear you on your #1 point. Why is this so hard to grasp? Ug. But I am learning! As fer point #2, I learned a lot by keeping a food journal. I baulked at the idea previously, because I limited it to a dieting concept. But it has been so useful. It's one thing to read about how refined carbs suck, but after noting time and time again--ate some refined carb, 30 minutes later feel like shit, oh blood sugar in the shitter...um, yeah. Lessons.
I actually used to work for the American Diabetes Association. Have I mentioned that? Anyhoo, I feel like I have a lot of good tools at my disposal. But it all boils down to action. Action, action, showing up for self. And thank you so much for your words of wisdom and offer of support.
Have I said it yet today? Y'ALL ARE SO RAD.
Janeen--I'm reading a book on healing that my naturopath suggested and one of the big points it makes is to learn to say no, and I'VE BEEN DOING IT! Can you believe it? The guilt, oh god, the guilt. But then, this feeling of relief. Why the hell didn't I start saying that glorious word earlier?
But sleep? Still gotta work on that one. Commuting sucks. And I cannot imagine becoming a runner. You are a bad ass. I really want to get on my bike again. Goals! I have goals. :)
Jes--After resisting yoga like a bitter jackass, I finally found a yoga DVD specifically for fat women. It is gorgeous. I dismissed yoga as a much of California hippie bullshit. Not at all! Not at all. And I commissioned a painting from Phurba Namgay of the Chana Dorji. I have been meditating on that painting. Me thinks our path to mindfulness might be quite similar. I too have a fabulous naturopath!
Anyhoo, thank you for sharing your journey. Prayers of health and healing to you. I feel good about our chances of reaching wellness. :)
Frances--perfectionism. You nailed it. Why would a sloth slacker have that issue? I mean, how illogical is that? But seriously? Ug.
And yes! Mindfulness is part o' my journey. Well, honestly, it's the root of my journey. What a gift, eh?
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. And for sharing the wisdom you have gained from your folks! I really wish I could convey how grateful I am for such kindness and support over these odd channels o' communication.
Muchas gracias, everyone! Muchas gracias.
I can't really think of much else to add, but take care of yourself! Diabetes is tough..
re: 60 hour work weeks. People who do this just make it harder for the rest of us (who like to work 40 hours and go home!) ;)
Plus remember if you work that many hours, you're actually making less than you think!
Ha! No worries. I no longer *work* a 60-hr week. I do the standard 40, but my commute bumps it up to 60. Trying to find a livable solution to that puppy. Ug.
The overachiever died long ago, praise the lord. Don't have to worry about that ugly beast ruining my life. ha!
I am a frequent reader of your blog despite - or possibly because of - our differing viewpoints on some issues (agree with you on many also). I was concerned when I read your article on obesity some months back which seemed to defend/endorse what can be a life threatening factor in ones life. I am not judging - in the past year I have lost over 70 pounds through the proper amounts of good food and exercise and my health is so much better. A history of health disease and cancer finally caused me to wake up when I was 43. I am glad to see you writing about what an effect lifestyle can have on health conditions. Some people who are concerned with the "obesity crisis" in the US are not judgemental skinny people wanting people who are overweight to stay behind closed doors - many are people genuinely concerned with helping people to live longer and HEALTHIER lives. I understand that there are healthy people who are "overweight" but I don't think they make up a majority (I know I wasn't one of them). By sharing your story in this article you are encouraging your readers in a positive and humorous way to take better care of themselves - WE ALL DESERVE THAT! Thanks for your educating and really funny posts - I enjoy learning from you and although somewhat "conservative" always appreciate a well written post to open my mind to something I wouldn't have considered or even been aware of.
Hey Anon! The "obesity crisis" is a very tricky thing, and I think it's particularly difficult for folks to understand the ways in which we are manipulated.
Having said that, I in no way endorse shitty health. No one in the size acceptance movement does (to my knowledge). I also do not endorse that fat=unhealthy and thin=healthy. Health is far more complicated than that. I'm simply tired of seeing perfectly healthy people harm themselves in innumerable ways because they have bought the bullshit that fat=sick.
I also hate to see people discredit healthy changes as ineffective because weight loss didn't occur. For instance, all of my blood work has improved and my overall energy is much better, but I haven't lost a pound. If I were to follow the general "wisdom" of the obesity epidemic bullshit, I would have utterly disregarded those improvements as meaningless.
I don't want to dismiss the positives people feel who have lost weight. If you feel better, great! Just please don't assume that your personal experience is universal truth. Far too many folks reach a weight loss goal only to feel just as shitty as before (e.g., crappy diet plans) and all the fantasies they had about how perfect their lives were going to become leaves them feeling like failures.
I realize you are making reference to a past post, but can you take a moment to see how insidious this crap is? It depresses the shit out of me. Do you see that when I talk about making better decisions for my health, you immediately take it to a weight loss/fat=bad place?
Culturally, we have this weird assumption that all fat people are engaged in a lack of self-care. (Martyrs come in all shapes and sizes, yo.) That is nuts! Pure crazy and a manifestation of a long cultural history of marginalizing segments of the population based on appearance and/or perceived lifestyle.
Yeah, I will probably end up losing some weight by taking better care of myself. I'm not denying that that will likely occur. But the likelihood of me reaching a socially acceptable weight would require that I become a walking miracle. And the crux of this madness is that as I feel better and get healthier--yes, even if I lose weight--I will still be treated *exactly* the same because I'll still be fat. If I followed the paradigm that insists that I must achieve social acceptability to be healthy, I would NEVER venture on this path to health. How many fat folks are out there, unwilling to make changes to improve their health, simply because they know they can't reach a size 4? How many people don't pay attention to their health, simply because they are thin?
Focusing on weight is a dangerous game where more than 85% of those who play it lose. But man, do corporate profits soar.
Have I mentioned that everyone should read "Health at Every Size" yet today? Seriously! Everyone should read that book.
ANYWAY, I realize you are trying to leave a pleasant, supportive comment and I don't want to get into a bitching match. I really appreciate your kindness and encouragement. I just want to make sure that anyone who is following this thread understands that I am in NO WAY telling folks they need to lose weight or focus on weight to achieve health.
Self-care! Self-care is where it's at, and for many of us, that means leaving the body hate, the fear of fat, and the internalization of bigotry in the dust.
Damn, that was a novel. Sorry, y'all. I do like to type. ha!
Yikes I touched on a hot spot for you!
Great points! Didn't mean to seem to say that being skinny/losing weight is the only way to health. In this post you talk about zero movment and I know in my experience and some of those around me excess weight can cause them to be unable to get the movement they need to improve their heart/lung/joint/diabetes issues (yes weight loss isn't the only way to help this but it is a very effective way). I have a sister who can not walk more than half a block without gasping for breath and her joints screaming. That is reality, not someone manipulating my brain to hate fat people - she can not move at her size. I love her dearly and want to see her live past 50. My cholesterol went down 45 points with my weight loss. That is my medical fact (as you pointed out that is only my experience). There is so much ample evidence that weight loss for the obese can prevent and reduce health issues - I am not saying everyone needs to be a certain size or weight but at least a combination of the two that allows them to move about and stretch. I think there might be a bit of denial going on here - you fully admit that you do not move and are overweight but you do not connect the two with the diabetes. My best friend was suffering with her diabetes but with a healthier diet and moving(yes which did lead to her losing about 20 pounds) it is under control and she is off of medication. She will never be described as thin but she has been able to get off medication and reduce her doctor visits to once a year for checkups. I am glad she wasn't of the mindset that you state that some people are "unwilling to make changes to improve their health, simply because they know they can't reach a size 4". That is the mindset that needs to change - an all of nothing - completely fat or completely thin world. I know we are black, white and wonderful shades and shapes in between. I just hope you might entertain the idea that you are not a fat hater if you lose a few pounds and as much as you don't want to acknowlege it, there can be a benefit to many people to slowly and smartly addressing their weight. I don't think having an on overweight person lose a few pounds for better mobility and health is akin to making them "hurt themselves" as you describe in the comment above. I wouldn't equate my discussion of losing a few pounds to wanting everyone to be a size 4 or some "ideal weight". That wasn't mentioned in my comments, nor will I EVER be a size 4.
Most definitely a hot spot! I do apologize (seriously!) if my comments are taken as a personal affront. I really don't mean to kick you in the shins. I'm talking about cultural trends here and how they manifest in our daily interactions. I should probably clarify when “you” means you and when it means all of us, eh? It didn’t sound at all like you were advocating that only size 4 people are healthy. But in our larger cultural context, that is most certainly the jig. And it is incredibly defeating for those of us who just want to hike more and feel better and tell diabetes to suck it. ‘Cuz if thin=healthy and fat=unhealthy, people like me are screwed.
I think where we disagree is in where the focus should be.
As an FYI—I used to work for the American Diabetes Association. Insulin resistance and weight most certainly do go hand in hand. (Dude, don't get me started on endocrine disruptors in plastics though.) And? I'm way too fat for my own good. No denial there! So, hmmm. If I know I'm too fat for my own good, but I poo poo weight loss, what gives? Well, lemme essplain!
After years of focusing on weight loss, all I did was get fatter, which is what happens for more than 85% of folks who venture there. (You, my darling with your big, long term weight loss, are an anomaly!) Safe to say, focusing on weight loss is a failed treatment modality, yet we keep pushing it.
If we had a treatment for cancer that resulted in 85% of people having that cancer metastasize, would we continue to use it? Probably not. Yet for health via weight loss, we keep plugging away at a failed treatment plan. If it's true that weight loss really does benefit everyone who experiences it and weight gain is harmful for everyone who experiences it, why would we promote a treatment modality that results in increased weight?
I believe that it’s intentional, because it creates repeat business and increased profit margins. Because we have moralized obesity, we can blame the fatties and not the treatment modality. That's genius. Best business plan on the planet.
(On a side note, I hope your sister finds her way to health, 'cuz that situation sounds painful and awful. Prayers for health and healing for her! And also--congrats on your success in getting yer cholesterol down. YES! Yer a champion!)
What I am trying (probably in vain) to do is to get folks to learn how to have a conversation about health without tying it to weight, because focusing on weight loss doesn’t work and feeds an evil machine. You are SO right that black and white thinking is really a huge part of the problem (really? I think you hit the nail on the head with that comment and why I freakin’ hate the weight loss crap so much).
If the data shows that focusing on health increases health and focusing on weight loss increases weight, where do you think we should put our focus? Should your sister focus on finding ways to move in the body she has? Or should she subscribe to a program that will more than likely increase her weight? How will she feel if weight loss is the goal, and her blood work and mobility improve, but she only lost 3lbs? What will ultimately be more beneficial for her?
Does the woman with great blood work and 40 "extra" pounds benefit by focusing on weight loss because of “potential health risks” when she will most likely just end up with 50 "extra" pounds? (That’s what I mean by harmful.) If focusing on weight loss fails over and over again, what benefit does it provide? And to whom?
This is what I mean by bigotry. It is completely irrational for us to subscribe—insist even—to a failed treatment modality. It's a cognitive distortion to embrace an ideology that is harmful for more than 85% of the people who subscribe to it. If health is our ultimate goal, why does focusing on health make me sound like some lunatic in denial? Again, me thinks its the ol' moralizing of obesity and subsequent bigotry.
Again, another novel. YOU ARE SO PATIENT TO TOLERATE MY BLATHERING.
I would continue to annoy you on here, but it’s MY BIRTHDAY! HOLLAH! And I’m going home to hang out with my husband and fur kids.
More than likely, we will just have to agree to disagree on some points and agree that healthy lives are awesome. There are worse things in life than differing on the details. And thank you for tolerating my blathering on this hot spot issue and being so respectful in your exchange.
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